Topography of my soul


When I was seven,
 
At gunpoint,
 
I was driven out of my homeland, Palestine
 
A Naksa, survivor, daughter of Nakba survivors
 
Eyes moist, gazing at the horizon
 
Fixated towards Jerusalem
 
Ever since
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When I was seventeen,
 
My family departed Libya, moved away, as did I
 
Leaving all my friends behind
 
“I will not go through this again” I thought
 
“No more friends, no more love, no more gain
 
No more loss, no more separation, no more pain”
 
I said to myself
999
At twenty seven,
 
A stranger in a strange land, London, UK
 
The chest of my beloved was ripped open
 
Valve replacement in his weary heart
 
Standing by his side in ICU
 
“Wouldn’t I wish it was me under the surgeon’s knife”
 
“I would cope better, if I took your place”
 
Anguish unbearable, legs… jelly, I fell to the floor
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At thirty seven,
 
Gasping for life, in a hospital bed
 
Embroidering hope with a phantom thread
 
Wavering in and out of existence
 
Four years in the abyss
 
Watching in despair
 
My children growing
 
Playing alone, dressing alone, reading alone,
 
Going to bed without mama’s song or bedtime story
 
A breathing shadow
 
I linger at the brim of sanity
 
In daunting anticipation
 
Dreading the relentless daily questions of my toddler
 
“Are you feeling better, mama? Can you give me a bath now?
Can you tell me a story yet? Can we play outside today?”
 
 “Does that grey colour in your hair mean you’re going to die soon, mama?”

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At forty seven,
 
Grieving the sudden loss of my soulmate,
 
Burying my beloved in a faraway graveyard
 
Frozen, I curl inwards,
Staring at his face fractalising, covering every spot I lay my eyes upon
 
Frantically I run to me
 
Flicking through my memories
 
Searching every corner of my lost mind
 
Exhuming my heart, tearing it apart
 
Chiseling the kernel of my soul with my bare hands
 
Maybe, just maybe, I could find Khaled’s grin again
 
Meet his shadow, kiss his forehead
 
Catch a whiff of his scent around
 
Or hear one of his heartbeats just one more time
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At fifty seven,
 
oops, not there yet !
 
* * *
 
NO… NO
 
Don’t get me wrong
 
I am not complaining, not at all
 
I’m merely describing the lowest points in time and space
 
On the map of my journey, in the canyons of my soul
 
* * *
 
The rest is magic
 
Swaying hills, and gushing waterfalls
 
Great big mountains with high altitudes
 
Buoyant meadows, and dancing rainbows,
 
Flowing rivers, pounding oceans, hymns of gratitude
 
Thank you Allah, Shukran ya wadoud
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The Curse of Chutzpa


chutzpah-1

Gilad Atzmon argues that in order to best support Palestine we must cease to view the Palestinian struggle as “just another apartheid” or “just another colonial project”

What makes the occupation of Palestine “unique” is not the “specialness” of the suffering of Palestinians, nor is it the “uniqueness” of their tragedy or the “importance” of their cause.

What makes it “unique”is the fact that: those Jewish Zionists who occupy Palestine, those Jewish Zionists who support them, and even many of those Jewish anti-Zionists who oppose them view themselves as “unique”.

Many Jewish anti-Zionists view themselves as unique in the sense that they frantically hold on the notion of the “uniqueness” of the “Jewish suffering” and the inevitability of future “multi-holocausts” due to historic, intrinsic and incurable human-condition called “anti-semitism” which is in their view a “special” case of racism of inexplicable “hatred” for Jews.

With a considerable majority, whether hard-core Zionists, soft, liberal, or anti-Zionists, they have acquired a distorted image of themselves, their suffering, their history, their morality, and that of the world.

At the core of this perceived “uniqueness” lies the rotten seed of millennia of indoctrination with the concept of “CHOSEN-NESS” which gave birth to troubling concepts such as the so called “Jewish chutzpa“, the perceived feeling of “exclusivity”, “specialness”“elitism”, and the illusion of having “special mission”, “higher” morality, “superior” intellect, and “unique” history and suffering.

The failure of Jewish communities -liberal and otherwise- to acknowledge, address and deal with this “heritage” in a sincere and healing manner will provoke severe and unavoidable consequences.

As it appears,  many people of those who identify themselves as Jews fail to see the there is a fundamental contradiction and total incompatibility between their claim of humanism and their practices of exclusivity, and their claim of “high Jewish morality” and their real life practices of slander and excommunication when dealing with others whom they disagree with.

How can they talk about such a notion as “Jewish morality” or “Jewish heritage”:

While practicing oppression, either physical -as in the case of Zionist occupiers- or mental and psychological as in the case of anti-Zionists practice of thought oppression;

while viewing “the other” as less able intellectually or morally (i.e inferior) who is in constant need for guidance;

whil
e placing themselves “at the helm” of social progress and imposing themselves as “guardians” of anti-racist campaigns and as “leaders”  of liberation movements;

while
appointing themselves as the intellectual and moral “elite” with the exclusive privilege to define the meaning of words such as racism and the right to identify who is racist or not;

while granting themselves the irrevocable and the unquestionable right to label, ostracize and excommunicate others as they wish;

Those who are engaged in the above appear to lack the most rudimentary qualities of modesty and humility needed to enable us humans to examine and evaluate our own words, actions and thoughts.

Thus they fail to gain the insight needed to self-reflect, self-criticize, self-improve thus to integrate without causing others to feel intimidated or oppressed.

Sooner or later people of the world (Palestinians included) will have to come to face such dreadful reality and deal with it.

.
chutzpah

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